Last week, I decided to pause my investigative work into statewide government transparency. I’ll be spending the rest of the year volunteering with a Marshalltown nonprofit and focusing on my health and training as I prepare for my next chapter. Of all the parody and satire I shared with State of Iowa leadership, this one is my favorite.

If he sent you a public records request,

you’d thank him for a free copy of his first book.

When he talks to local police,

they ask if they’re being detained.

When the State of Iowa falsely accused him of crimes, he walked into a public meeting and asked to be handcuffed, because he doesn’t like to be teased.

Governor Kim Reynolds once lowered the flag to half-mast. He raised it because it was blocking his view.

He once sent the State of Iowa Chief Information Officer a cybersecurity bulletin, just to see if they ignore those too.

He once infiltrated Area 51, to monitor the treatment of illegal aliens.

He once tore a chapter out of the Iowa Code,

because he needed kindling to start a fire.

The State of Iowa talks about his pajamas,

because they only made it to third base.

Before the Iowa Supreme Court publishes its opinions, they ask him for his.

He sleeps in a twin-size bed, because he can’t afford queen-size problems.

The Iowa Department of Public Safety surveils his disabilities, to ensure Iowa attorneys have a proper handicap while facing him in court.

Before the police read him his rights, they admit they are wrong.

ICE once broke into his home at 6 a.m., just to make sure his morning drink was cold. He then told them he doesn’t get up until 9 and to come back.

He was once levied by the State of Iowa for over $4,000. He then levied the State of Iowa for $150. They gave it to him.

He once crossed the State of Iowa in court,

because he didn’t feel like doing it on a bike.

A lawyer once tried to give him her phone number at a Des Moines, IA, nightclub; he requested proper service instead.

When the State of Iowa later offered him $2 million to settle, he told them to go to hell, then he brought her breakfast in bed.

When he takes the stand, it is never for one night.

The Marshalltown, IA, Police Department once searched his home, trying to find records their IT department failed to back up.

When the Newton, IA, Police Department sees him walking down the road, they slow down. Then they look in their rearview mirror to see if he turned around to pursue them.

He was once accused of discrimination by the leaders of the Iowa Civil Rights Commission,

because he provided evidence indicating they were DEI hires.

Jasper County, IA, once blocked him on Facebook,

because he wouldn’t stop poking around.

The State of Iowa Attorney General’s Office once subpoenaed him, because they knew it was the only way to get his help on a case.

His personality is so intoxicating, Governor Reynolds refuses to read his emails before driving.

He is the most lawfully difficult man in the State of Iowa.

The Cipher Hunter: “I don’t always tolerate bullshit, but when I do, I prefer the State of Iowa. Stay constitutional, my friends.”